fbpx

How Pole Saved Me From My Insecurities

by | Jun 27, 2019

Last night a DJ pole class saved my life.

 

This is true for SO many occasions, but there’s a fresh incident that happened earlier this week that I want to share with you.

 

After 8 years of pole dancing, I have built up a pretty bloody good relationship with my body. It’s been because of pole dance that I now view my body with love. I no longer look in the mirror and look for parts I don’t like. Instead I feel proud of what my body can do and what it has achieved.

 

I can’t remember when I made this shift in my mindset. But I am so happy it happened. And will be forever grateful to all my pole teachers who gave me the space and opportunity for it to happen.

 

The most significant difference in how I view my body is 100% to do with it’s functionality.

 

It can do things. Amazing things. Awesome pole moves, carry heavy bags, pull-ups, push-ups, the splits, climb trees… and other fun things like that.

 

The physical strength and it’s flexibility make me feel proud of it and so I treat my bod with love and respect. Love and respect looks like this for me:

 

  • Not saying nasty things about it.
  • Acknowledging, thanking and praising it. This usually occurs after I teach a class, where I’ll think to myself “I’m so happy that my body can teach pole. And that I can dance and spin round so fast I feel the breeze in my hair. It brings me so much joy and I feel totally fierce and fabulous because of it”
  • Having weekly scheduled pamper sessions where I moisturise from head to toe. Most of the time with coconut oil, but today I went for Ro’s Argan from Lush – it’s heaven. What a treat.

 

But last week something peculiar happened. A long-forgotten insecurity bubbled up to the surface.

 

It completely took me by surprise. 

I was looking for a new outfit to wear to a birthday party. My sister and I traipsed round countless shops in Bluewater trying to find something:

“nice, a bit sexy… not too sexy… classy… fun, and flattering”

And after trying on over 12 different outfits and not finding anything I looked good in…I felt defeated.  Clothes hung from my shoulders with no flattery in sight, or clung to me in all the wrong places.

 

Whilst in the Zara changing room, that forgotten insecurity climbed out from under it’s rock.

“you don’t look good in anything because of your boy-boobs. They’re so small, funny-shaped and empty-looking that they won’t fill out any dress or top you try on. And you can forget underwear-as-outerwear, no-one wants to see those things!!”

Small boobs. Really?! I thought I was way over that. Clearly the time at school when a boy referred to them as “mosquito bites” had left a stain not easily removed. And once this insecurity had crept back up into my mind, it lingered and festered and stunk.

 

Over the next few days, I found myself feeling conscious about my boobs. I started to think my fiance, Matthew, also didn’t like them (even though he’s never mentioned anything of the sort). And I bought a push-up bra. One of those mega-mega ones from Victoria Secret that’s basically a boob-job-in-a-bra.

 

On Sunday it came to a head.
I had a pole photoshoot and was overthinking about what to wear due to my revived boob-insecurity. 

 

I decided to put my new snazzy push-up bra underneath my pole top. To give me a boost (of confidence and cleavage). 
I did my first dance and could hardly breath! The push up bra was restricting my movements, and making it difficult to get enough oxygen in.

 

Dilemma… have bigger boobs or dance and breath better? 

 

Alex, the photographer, pulled me up on it. He thought it was ridiculous and unlike me to even have proposed such a question. What had gotten over me? As a dance-photographer, he sees bodies as beautiful for their movement and the expression they can relay… What on earth had boob size got to do with it?
Very valid point.
 
He asked me where this bizarre thought had come from. That’s when I retraced my steps back to that Zara changing room and realised I’d allowed the demons to stay and stink up my mind. I had even fuelled the fire that was burning me, with buying the push-up bra.

 

I brinked tears. 

 

Breathed in, breathed out.

 

I choose dance. I choose movement. I choose breathing. I choose my small boobs.

Bra off, I started the dance again. And let me tell you, dancing through that block never felt so good. The tears in my eyes, the choked up feeling in my throat, and any thoughts on boob size completely evaporated. Swept away with spins and inverts and fabulous pole moves.

In fact, I didn’t even think of my boobs at all. I finished the photoshoot, packed away my push-up bra, and then took my beautiful body home for some dinner and a cuppa. I am yet again reminded how grateful I am to pole dance and how much it can liberate you. Breaks you free of any stresses – insecurity stresses, work stresses, family stresses.

You become all consumed by the movement, the freedom. There’s no space for anything else.

 


 

 

8 Comments

  1. L x

    Aww Becky I just read your email, I feel awlful and that I contributed to your insecurity when we were talking about your new bra and I called it the ‘bra of lies’

    Growing up I was so skinny I looked ill. And a close friend at the time told loads of people at school that I was flat chested. I mean I hadn’t developed at all and she was a double E or something. So it was a thing people just knew that I was flat chested. And I felt so insecure. I had no boobs or no bum at all.

    But I did develop eventually, and as I’ve put on a bit of weight recently my boobs have grown recently. When you said I was quite booby I was buzzing, no one has ever said that to me. Then the next session you said I had a great bum in my new shorts. It made me feel great!

    I only mentioned the bra of lies as it’s something one of my other close friends says. She used to get picked on for being flat chested too. And now it’s just a bit of a joke between us.

    I know one comment by someone, even if they don’t realise what they are saying, can really hurt and sticks with you.

    I am so sorry if what I said upset you.

    But everyone is different! And comes in all shapes and sizes. You are such a positive person, an inspiration! Especially to someone like me who has had body insecurities growing up and now too. Pole has made me so much more confident in myself and with my body. I’m still super scared to be naked in front of a guy, and nothing like that has happened for a long time now, but I’m hoping that will come with time.

    You are beautiful! And amazingly strong! Pictures of you and your fiancé you both look so happy. And he loves you for you. And I’m sure wants you to just be you. Be happy with who you are, because you are amazing! Xxx

    Reply
    • Becky Bagnall

      ❤️❤️❤️ This has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for this really lovely message.

      First and foremost, no need to feel any guilt or give any apology about the bra of lies comment. It really didn’t upset me at all, s’all good. (also great name for it!)

      Thank you for sharing your story. It means so much. I can feel the pain you went through – probably the same as mine.

      And you’re welcome for the booby and butt comments 😘😘

      Thanks for all your lovely words, it’s so empowering to see more stories like this.
      Thank you again for taking the time to message me 🥰 Lots of love xxx

      Reply
  2. Mimi P

    It’s your personality, body proportions and skills that make you incredibly attractive Becky.
    I remember thinking I look like a boy because I’m very flat chested and then one day I saw a picture of a woman who had lost both breasts to cancer and I thought how difficult it must have been for her to get used to seeing herself in the mirror. And then I thought she looked good, scars and all and not like a boy at all. She was also flat chested, for a painful reason though, not just her genes.
    Boobs are hyper sexualised and we are bombarded with crazy ideas of what our bodies should be like: big boobs, big bums but skinny, flat bellies, long legs, long hair, hairless body, no white hair, tanned skin… it’s torture. Your boobs have the perfect size for your slim and strong ballerina body.
    Wear a dress with the lowest V neck and no back at all! We can actually look elegant with a lot of clothing most women would love to wear but don’t because they don’t feel confident not wearing a bra.
    My grandma said to me 100s of times I was the luckiest of girls as I didn’t have to carry the heavy physical and social weight for the idiots obsessed with them.
    Keyra Knightley posed top less to make a point. She looked stunning. She explained how being her weight no one can expect her to have big boobs.

    Reply
    • Becky Bagnall

      Mimi! 🥰 First of all – I love your grandma! She sounds great. Seeing the positive!
      And you made so many thought-provoking points. I totally agree about if you flip it round and look at the other side of the coin, a lot of people I know would never not wear a bra. So true.

      Thank you for your lovely comment, for connecting and empowering me and my boobs. Lots of love xxx

      Reply
  3. L x

    Aww Becky I just read this, I feel awlful and that I contributed to your insecurity when we were talking about your new bra and I called it the ‘bra of lies’

    Growing up I was so skinny I looked ill. And a close friend at the time told loads of people at school that I was flat chested. I mean I hadn’t developed at all and she was a double E or something. So it was a thing people just knew that I was flat chested. And I felt so insecure. I had no boobs or no bum at all.

    But I did develop eventually, and as I’ve put on a bit of weight recently my boobs have grown recently. When you said I was quite booby I was buzzing, no one has ever said that to me. Then the next session you said I had a great bum in my new shorts. It made me feel great!

    I only mentioned the bra of lies as it’s something one of my other close friends says. She used to get picked on for being flat chested too. And now it’s just a bit of a joke between us.

    I know one comment by someone, even if they don’t realise what they are saying, can really hurt and sticks with you.

    I am so sorry if what I said upset you.

    But everyone is different! And comes in all shapes and sizes. You are such a positive person, an inspiration! Especially to someone like me who has had body insecurities growing up and now too. Pole has made me so much more confident in myself and with my body. I’m still super scared to be naked in front of a guy, and nothing like that has happened for a long time now, but I’m hoping that will come with time.

    You are beautiful! And amazingly strong! Pictures of you and your fiancé you both look so happy. And he loves you for you. And I’m sure wants you to just be you. Be happy with who you are, because you are amazing! Xxx

    Reply
    • Becky Bagnall

      ❤️❤️❤️ This has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for this really lovely message.

      First and foremost, no need to feel any guilt or give any apology about the bra of lies comment. It really didn’t upset me at all, s’all good. (also great name for it!)

      Thank you for sharing your story. It means so much. I can feel the pain you went through – probably the same as mine.

      And you’re welcome for the booby and butt comments 😘😘

      Thanks for all your lovely words, it’s so empowering to see more stories like this.
      Thank you again for taking the time to message me 🥰 Lots of love xxx

      Reply
  4. Rashida Boateng

    Awesome!!!!!!!!!! I am glad that you decided to post ✊🏾✊🏾✊🏾

    Reply
    • Becky Bagnall

      Thank you so much! Means a lot xxx

      Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *