How Pole Saved Me From My Insecurities
Last night a
DJ pole class saved my life.
This is true for SO many occasions, but there’s a fresh incident that happened earlier this week that I want to share with you.
After 8 years of pole dancing, I have built up a pretty bloody good relationship with my body. It’s been because of pole dance that I now view my body with love. I no longer look in the mirror and look for parts I don’t like. Instead I feel proud of what my body can do and what it has achieved.
I can’t remember when I made this shift in my mindset. But I am so happy it happened. And will be forever grateful to all my pole teachers who gave me the space and opportunity for it to happen.
The most significant difference in how I view my body is 100% to do with it’s functionality.
It can do things. Amazing things. Awesome pole moves, carry heavy bags, pull-ups, push-ups, the splits, climb trees… and other fun things like that.
The physical strength and it’s flexibility make me feel proud of it and so I treat my bod with love and respect. Love and respect looks like this for me:
- Not saying nasty things about it.
- Acknowledging, thanking and praising it. This usually occurs after I teach a class, where I’ll think to myself “I’m so happy that my body can teach pole. And that I can dance and spin round so fast I feel the breeze in my hair. It brings me so much joy and I feel totally fierce and fabulous because of it”
- Having weekly scheduled pamper sessions where I moisturise from head to toe. Most of the time with coconut oil, but today I went for Ro’s Argan from Lush – it’s heaven. What a treat.
But last week something peculiar happened. A long-forgotten insecurity bubbled up to the surface.
It completely took me by surprise.
“nice, a bit sexy… not too sexy… classy… fun, and flattering”
Whilst in the Zara changing room, that forgotten insecurity climbed out from under it’s rock.
“you don’t look good in anything because of your boy-boobs. They’re so small, funny-shaped and empty-looking that they won’t fill out any dress or top you try on. And you can forget underwear-as-outerwear, no-one wants to see those things!!”
Small boobs. Really?! I thought I was way over that. Clearly the time at school when a boy referred to them as “mosquito bites” had left a stain not easily removed. And once this insecurity had crept back up into my mind, it lingered and festered and stunk.
Over the next few days, I found myself feeling conscious about my boobs. I started to think my fiance, Matthew, also didn’t like them (even though he’s never mentioned anything of the sort). And I bought a push-up bra. One of those mega-mega ones from Victoria Secret that’s basically a boob-job-in-a-bra.
I choose dance. I choose movement. I choose breathing. I choose my small boobs.
Bra off, I started the dance again. And let me tell you, dancing through that block never felt so good. The tears in my eyes, the choked up feeling in my throat, and any thoughts on boob size completely evaporated. Swept away with spins and inverts and fabulous pole moves.
In fact, I didn’t even think of my boobs at all. I finished the photoshoot, packed away my push-up bra, and then took my beautiful body home for some dinner and a cuppa. I am yet again reminded how grateful I am to pole dance and how much it can liberate you. Breaks you free of any stresses – insecurity stresses, work stresses, family stresses.
You become all consumed by the movement, the freedom. There’s no space for anything else.